We're Here by Naomi Kanakia
Author:Naomi Kanakia
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781952086755
Publisher: Neon Hemlock Press
XII. A CONVERSATION: THE LAST OF ITS SPECIES
SHAYLA: Are you doing all right?
MO: I donât know.
SHAYLA: Wow. You actually answered, instead of hanging up. Is it my birthday?
MO: No, itâs...Iâm running out of time. Iâm going to die.
SHAYLA: (a noise, almost inaudible, like the sound of lungs drawing in air)
MO: Are you going to tell me I could just choose not to?
SHAYLA: I donât need to tell you.
MO: Hey! I was all ready to argue with you. I donât know what to say now. I guess just that it hasnât always felt like a choice.
SHAYLA: And now?
MO: Now. Well. Itâs not that Iâm afraid of dying. Death is what Iâve always been heading towards. But everything else...Shayla, what if I miscalculated? Iâve been rereading my old work this week, and I canât remember anymore why I wrote some of it.
One thing in particular. At the time, I was just putting words to a truth, but it was one personâs story and I turned it into the story of a whole world. When people latched onto the concretist movement, I did the same thing.
SHAYLA: Not necessarily. What if they recognized their stories in yours?
MO: But what if my story was only my own because I couldnât listen to you? You and Miles and everyone I care about, you all decided to digitize, and I havenât been able to understand why, but what if thatâs my problem? I let some kind of ideological certainty get in the way of listening, and meanwhile youâve been moving forward, and Iâve been slowing down. What if that ruined the time we couldâve had?
SHAYLA (hoarsely): Moâ¦
MO: Sorry, I know we just got done crying.
SHAYLA: So much for that.
MO: I need a tissue.
SHAYLA: I donât.
MO: Shut up.
MO: Okay, Iâm back.
MO: Itâs true what they say about seeing everything clearly from your deathbed.
SHAYLA: Youâre not on your deathbed.
MO: Whatever, my death-porch. Shayla, I made this choice when I was eighteen. When you left for college. I decided to dedicate myself to my art, and then when digitization came around, it felt like giving up on everything Iâve devoted my life to. So I convinced myself that thereâs something intrinsic in the concrete thatâs absolutely irreplaceable. And that is true, butâ¦
SHAYLA: But?
MO: But what if itâs a truth that doesnât actually matter? Iâve spent the last two decades doing everything I could to hold onto that idea, but now thatâs all Iâm doing. Thereâs no space for anything else. And thatâs even with an incredible amount of luck, to be able to stay in the concrete.
SHAYLA: A lot of us didnât have your luck.
MO: And Iâve blamed you for it. I know thatâs wrong. But I still canât let go ofâ¦
SHAYLA: What?
MO: Strawberries.
SHAYLA: Right.
MO: Iâm sorry. You have every right to be angry at me.
SHAYLA: Iâm not angry, per se. I just wonder if you regret it.
MO: Why? Do you?
SHAYLA: Never. I have a life in the digital that I could never have had in the concrete. The only thing I regret is leaving you behind.
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